Bittersweet Diary

Chapters from Bittersweet Diary

Chapter Six

SEEK AND YE SHALL FIND
 
Another school year has come and gone.  I was in the third grade now.  Christmas vacation was almost over and I was glad.  I’d always hated winter.  I had clothes, toys, books, and enough stuffed animals to start my own zoo.  She had stolen most of it and traded God knows what for the rest of it.  I am grateful however at the fact that she left me in the house most of the winter.  I was able to study and play with my games in peace.  I had even gotten hooked on one of those soap operas.  I think the magic in them for me was that all the characters had good looks and money and their lives seemed exciting every single day. 
Trevor was visiting his mother for the holidays.  I was hoping he would get back before school started but he didn’t.  I ran into his dad one day and he mentioned that Trevor wouldn’t be back until the Easter vacation. 
When Trevor came back he told me that his dad and his mom were in the middle of a custody battle.  He said they had gone from speaking to yelling at one another. His mother was going to get remarried.  His hopes for reuniting were gone.  I had to ask him where his faith was.  He told me if they ever made him choose he would rather stay with his dad.  I told him how nice it must feel to have someone fight over wanting you.  He told me that he sometimes wished for my independence. 
It had been a long vacation for both of us.  I had time to think and I was starting to go stir crazy. 
"Trevor, I don’t know how much more of this I can take."
"What do you mean?  You are in the third grade.  Do you know how many more years you have to go before you finish school?"
"I mean it.  I am so tired of the same old thing every single day."
"Lane, I’m going to tell you what my dad told me: You go to school for you.  Education is free and its up to you to get all you can from it."
"Trevor I’m not talking about my education."
"So what are you talking about?"
"There’s more to this than what I’m seeing."
"There is, but you have to finish school in order to get it."
"Boy, you don’t understand."
"Yes I do.  I just don’t know what to tell you to do.  Why don’t you talk to my dad?"
"No!  I need to do this on my own."
"Lane you need to stay in school.  Besides, what kind of job do you think you’re going to find at your age?"
"I’m not looking for a job.  I need to find a way out.  I need to find me!"
Once again, I let him see me crying.  I couldn’t hold them back.  Trevor was shocked.  He didn’t know what to do with me.  I could see him panicking.
"Lane…come on now.  Don’t cry.  Why don’t you let my dad help you?  He’s always telling me how he wished he could do something for your family."
I was crying more out of anger than self-pity.  These were years of frustration built up.  I cried because life wasn’t fair.  I was reading my bible and doing all this praying and things were not getting better.  I guess I was crying because I knew that deep down inside Coco didn’t care enough about me to want a change.  I was finally at the end of my rope.  I was tired of being everything to myself and nothing at the same time.  It seemed like God wasn’t listening to me.  The only thing left were my tears.  Trevor had gotten so upset that he began crying. That’s when I knew something was desperately wrong.  This was my strength.  He was my source of energy and hope.  If he were crying that meant that his heart was as full of my life as well.  Suddenly I stopped.  I cleared the tears from my face and bolted straight up.  He looked at me like I was crazy.  He didn’t know what my next move was and that scared him.
"Where are you going?"
"Nowhere."
"So why did you stand up like your butt was on fire?"
"Don’t you get it Trevor?  Every time I get up out of bed, every time I go to school, every time Coco takes me with her to get high, I’m going nowhere.  If I keep this up I’m going to die!"
"What are you talking about?  You’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing at your age.  Where is it that you want to go?"
"Not go somewhere like Disneyworld.  I mean I’m not doing anything like you."
"Where am I going?"
"Trevor… you do things.  Your dad has you in all these programs and on Saturdays you go to football practice.  On Wednesdays you have saxophone practice.  You are going someplace with your life."
"My dad puts me in those programs because he has no one to watch me until he comes home from work."
"Yeah but you like to do those things.  I bet you both sat down and he asked you what you wanted to do."
"Yeah."
"What do I have? I won’t know how to do anything.  My only life is school and through you and everything we talk about and Coco.  I can’t get anywhere with that."
Trevor really couldn’t understand where I was coming from.  All he knew was what I told him.  He’d have to experience it to believe it.  We spent the rest of the afternoon into the evening laying out on the scape looking up at the stars.  We didn’t say very much after that.  We were reading each other’s thoughts.  If we were in our twenties we would be the best of everything.  I hadn’t seen Trevor all day Sunday.  He said they were having some kind of reviving at the church.  Monday morning it was back to school.

It was just before lunch.  I was sitting in my classroom not listening to a word the teacher was saying.  Instead, I focused my attention on the construction workers across the street.  They were digging a whole that would probably be there forever.  It seemed like the only one working was they guy with the jackhammer.  The rest of them were watching him.  Needless to say, I was bored.  So very bored.  The sound of my name broke my wandering mind.
"Elane, Elane… can you give me the answer to question number two please."
My God, I thought, why is this woman bothering me today?
"I wasn’t listening.  What did you say?"
"Question number two, the answer.  Do you have it?"
I looked down at my notebook and realized the page was blank.  I had been in this classroom for over two hours and hadn’t written a single thing.  Not even my name but I didn’t care.
"I don’t have it written down."
"You don’t know it.  This was part of your pre-test.  I gave this to everyone the other day.  Well, I guess you’ll be getting some detention homework tonight!"
"Why?  Did I say I didn’t know it or did you say that?  I said I didn’t have it written down.  The answer is seven hundred sixty three."
She never liked the fact that I spoke back to her.  The rest of the class was afraid of her.  I didn’t see why.  The only thing scary about her was her makeup.  No one would ever challenge this woman except me.  Another of the few qualities Coco taught me was to always stand my ground no matter who’s putting up the fight.  I was never disrespectful to her but I wasn’t going to let her get over on me.  I think she liked the idea of having someone in her class with guts because she never questioned my remarks.  I could tell she wanted to have a few words with me but wished the other students were not there.  Just then the lunch bell rang.  The class hurried to put their books away.  I took my time.  Lunch did not excite me like that.  Neither did going to the playground. 
"Elane would you like to be my helper during lunch today?"
"No."
"Are you feeling all right?"
"Yes."
"Well that’s tonight’s homework on the board.  Did you write it down because it won’t be there when you come from lunch?"
"No I didn’t write it down but I’ll have it when I need it."
I know she wanted to grab me by my neck and choke the life out of me.  I was getting under her skin and I enjoyed it.  Just the way she enjoyed torturing the rest of the class. 

The class was about five minutes ahead of me.  I walked slowly down the hall peeking in classrooms on my way to the lunchroom.  Each room had its own personality.  It was interesting to see how each teacher introduced learning. 
I had only made it to the lunchroom door when I decided to see what else this big old building had to offer.  Instead, I headed for the staircase.  I had decided to go straight up to the fourth floor and work my way down.
The science rooms had bottles and critters in cages.  There were pictures on the wall of the inside of bodies.  Microscopes lined up in the back of the class awaiting eager students.  I came across the library.  I thought we only had the one library on the second floor.  No one was in there so I went in and began walking up and down the aisles. I couldn’t imagine what were in all those books.  These were so much thicker than ours were.  I thought, no book could have this much to say.  I made my way to the third floor.  When I entered the main hallway all I could hear was laughter and chatter.  What kind of class was this and how come it sounded like they were having so much fun?  I crept up to the doorway and peeked inside.  It was a room full of teachers.  They were eating and listening to music and joking around as if they were on a street corner.  I couldn’t believe it.  These were our teachers.  How come they didn’t act like this in the classroom?  I could probably enjoy school if they taught with this attitude.  These could not be the same people.  They were having so much fun they didn’t even see me walk pass the door.  Something told me not to stay on this floor too long.  I got to another classroom and there was a teacher writing on the blackboard.  I saw the words but I did not know what they meant.  That puzzled me for a while because for some strange reason I wanted to know what he was writing.  He had such an intense look about him.  He would stop and look down at his book then stare at the board like he was waiting for it to answer him.  Then he would begin to write again.  All of his boards were written on.  Most of which I had never seen before.  That peaked my desire.  I wanted to know what he’d written.  I walked down the hallway noticing walls filled with works of drawings and projects on tables from the upper classman.  I came across room 304.  I remember Trevor telling me that this was his homeroom.  The door was closed.  I could see through the window that his teacher was not in.  Compelled to go in, I turned the knob and surprisingly, it was unlocked.  I slipped inside for a look around.  This was where he learned the things he would teach me.  I walked up and down the aisles letting my hand sweep across every desk.  Second row, third seat.  I sat down at Trevor’s desk.  I could see the entire room from here.  He said it was the best seat in the class.  As I sat there I had felt a peace come over me.  I could feel his presence.  I sat back in his chair and closed my eyes wishing he were here.  I yearned to talk to him.

I made my way back to the main floor.  I had some time left so I headed in the direction of the schoolyard.  That’s when I noticed the door opposite the yard door.  I’d never seen anyone use it so I decided that I would.  The dimly lit hall whispered turn back but that was not my nature.  It led to a boiler room and the janitors supply closet.  There were large cobwebs everywhere.  The smell of cleaning fluid was also in the air but there were no bottles in the room.  A few feet away was another door that led to a small empty room with pipes running along the walls.  It was dimly lit and very dirty.  The pipes had no doubt two inches of dust on them.  Having seen enough, I crept back through the doors and out into the playground.  All afternoon that back room stuck in my mind. 
Three o’clock had hit and I was disappointed that again, I had to go home.  Trevor was standing at the stop sign waiting for me as he always did.  I told him that I found his classroom but I didn’t tell him that I found peace sitting in his seat.  That was a moment for me.  Even though we were the best of friends there were some things, the little things, which were still all mine.

                   **************************************************************

Chapter Seven

 ONE TIME TOO MANY

When we got to our building Trevor sat down and took out his books.  He often did his homework before he went upstairs.  He asked me to sit with him but I was not in the mood.  I wanted to be by myself but I really didn’t want to go upstairs.  Trevor’s father walked up and sat next to him.  I listened as he asked Trevor if he could handle his homework.  He asked not as a father but as a friend saying if you need me, I’m right here.  Trevor always said that he could talk to his dad about anything.  I wanted that with Coco.  I have a little of that with gramps.  I couldn’t bear to be around them any longer so I turned to go into the building.  They had started joking around and cracking ugly jokes about one another.  It had gotten to the point where it seemed like they didn’t even notice that I was standing there.  Just then his dad turned to me and asked me if I wanted to sit with them for a while.  He reached into a bag and pulled out a couple of sodas.  He handed Trevor one and asked me if I had wanted one too.  He was being nice to me like I was part of the family.  All I could do was look at him.  I took the can and sat down beside them.  Trevor had a huge smile on his face and his dad started ticking him in his side.  It was like they shared an inside joke about me.  I began to feel real out of place yet it was where I wanted to be at that moment.  Trevor’s dad started talking to me.  I could see his lips moving but heard nothing.  I didn’t know why but I was dumbfounded.  Was this what a parent child relationship supposed to feel like?  People showing interest in each other.  A world where I get asked a question and then am allowed to answer back.  I was being spoken to in a normal tone of voice.  I remember his voice being smooth and very deep.  He spoke very clearly.  He didn’t use the language of the street.  His voice didn’t really fit his body.  If you heard him speaking, you would think that he was nine feet tall with a mustache and an uncombed gray beard.  Instead, he was just the opposite.  He was clean-shaven with a nice build and an average height but his heart was as big as this world.  I finished my soda and stood up to go upstairs. 
"You’re leaving us already?  You haven’t even answered any of my questions."
"I know.  I have to go up before Coco comes looking for me.  I don’t want her to get mad at me."
"I don’t think she’ll mind you spending time down here with us.  Besides, I think she may have company.  Why don’t you hang out here with us for a little while longer?"
"Yeah Lane, dad could go over our homework with us.  That way we can have more time on the scape tonight."
"I think I should go up."
"Lane, I really think you should hang out with us for a while.  You know what I mean?"
I did know what he meant.  But what good would a few minutes make.  I appreciated the fact that he was looking out for me.  He was being a good father.  Unfortunately, he wasn’t mine. 
Trevor begged me to stay outside with him.  He had a look on his face as if he were going to start to cry.  His dad was now holding his hand.  He too was asking me to stay with them. 
"Lane, at least sit with Trevor while I run to the store.  I’ll only be ten minutes.  You can give me ten minutes, can’t you?  Sit here with Trevor."
I would have stayed but the urgency in their voices kind of frightened me and made me want to get upstairs even the more.  What was so different about not going upstairs today?
"I’m just going to go up and put my books down. I’ll be right back."
"I’ll wait here until you come back."  Trevor’s dad now had a look on him that was a bit disturbing.

Something wasn’t right.  I could feel it.  As I walked up those five flight I wondered what it could be this time. What was I the guest of honor to?  I had made it to the door. It was unlocked.  Something was wrong because Coco always made sure her door was locked.  You never could tell who would come looking to do her harm.  She made enemies when she failed to pay on her credit.  Someone would always come and take our television or stereo system; anything they thought they could sell for her debt.  Miraculously, we would always manage to get another.  I turned the knob slowly.  I made sure I did that every time I came home on the chance someone would be there while she wasn’t home.  That had happened a couple of times before.  I came home from school to find three men sitting in the living room floor shooting up.  I asked them where my mother was and one of them said that they didn’t know.  Then I asked where the woman who let them in the apartment was.  Another told me that they let themselves in through the window and wanted to know if I wanted to join them.  It’s a good thing I spoke to them from the doorway.  I remember bolting down the stairs where I waited on the steps across the street until Coco came home.  Coco hadn’t come home until way after it had gotten dark.
This could be one of those days.  I pushed the door opened.  I could see Coco on her knees.  I took a few more steps.  I could see her kneeling before two men.  I stood there for what seemed to be an eternity.  None of them saw me or if they had, they didn’t care.  I had seen Coco in some pretty ugly situations but nothing like this.  Both men were exposed from the waist down.  I watched them long enough to see her take turns on each of them.  It was disgusting.  They had smiles on their faces and they were calling her names.  None of which her mother ever gave her.  While she was doing one, the other would hold up a bag and promise to give it to her if she did him right.  She would quickly stop to satisfy the other.  They were making a fool out of her.  It was the saddest thing I had ever seen her do.  She would take a break and ask them whether or not that was good enough.  They would start to dangle those bags in front of her and she would start again.  I closed the door just as quietly as I had entered.  I couldn’t move.  I stared at the apartment door.  She looked as worthless as I felt.  I could feel the tears fill my eyes but I refused to let them fall.  I will not cry.  Crying was a sign of giving up and I wasn’t going to do that this day.  I was angry.  This was more intense than leaving me in the park all day or making me sleep with the roaches.  I couldn’t describe it.  All I knew at that moment was that I was tired of it.  I was tired of it all.  I had to get out!  Now!  It was then that the little room in the school came back to me.  That was the day I told myself that the small room would be my home.  As much as I had wanted to, I couldn’t leave today.

I walked back down the stairs very slowly.  With each step, I felt independence.  Each forceful footstep was freedom.  I made it to the lobby and I could see Trevor and his dad still sitting there.  It was a perfect picture.   I opened the door and stood over them.  He stood up quickly.  He knew I had run into something up there but he didn’t know what. 
"Are you O.K.?"
I didn’t answer him.  He could see the tears flooding my eyes but I never said a word.
"Hey kiddo…"
"Lane what’s the matter?"
"She’s never going to change."
"Lane your mom needs outside help.  I could make a phone call right now and get it for the both of you.  Your moms not dumb you know.  Outside appearances as far as you’re concerned are real good."
"I know.  She does just enough to get by with me.  She makes sure everything is taken care of so that they won’t take me from her or stop her checks from coming in.  I know all of that.  She makes sure I go to school everyday, my clothes are clean.  I don’t know how she gets over all the time."
My anger was really taking over. 
"I think I need to make a phone call."
"No."  Adamancy rose up in me.  If anything were to be done I will be the one to do it.
"Lane are you sure?"
Thinking quickly I answered,  "Let me talk to gramps first."
"O.K.  You kids sit tight while I run to the store.  Lane you think about what I said.  I’m willing to do whatever it takes to help your family out."
I knew he meant that.  But I wonder if he knew what type of help we needed.  Would he be willing to take me in? 
I sat next to Trevor still holding on to the vision I just encountered.  How could she do something like that?  How could she let me see her getting high all the time?  Did she think I would enjoy watching her stumble home and eight times out of ten put her to bed?  That was not my job.  It was her job to put me to bed every night.  She was the one to make sure I ate for the day.  How could she live our lives like this?  How could she raise a daughter and expect her to grow up and be what a young lady is supposed to be?  All these questions were flooding my brain.  Trevor was talking to me and I hadn’t heard a word he said.  Something was terribly wrong.  Things have happened before but this was one time too many.  Three fire trucks had streamed by and all I saw were their flashing lights.  My mind was fixed on that vision.  I was thinking on that little room in the school and how I could make it home for me.  I felt Trevor pulling on my arm.  He was calling my name trying to bring me back to reality. 
"What is wrong with you?  Didn’t you hear anything I said?"
"No.  What did you say?  What is so important that you have to pull on my arm like that?"
He could tell that I was angry.  This was the side he had never seen.  It was intentional but definitely not directed towards him.  I was seeing a little bit of light at the end of my dark tunnel and I was trying to get closer to it without any interruptions. 
"I just wanted to know if you were all right."
"I’m fine Trevor."
"Are you thinking about letting my dad help you?  He talks about it all the time you know."
"No, I’m gonna do it myself."
"He really wants to do this for you Lane."
Just then the two men came out the lobby door.  Trevor was sitting on the end of the stoop and I was sitting right in the middle of the stairway.  They stopped at the top of the landing and waited for me to move out of the way.  Of course I didn’t. 
"You gonna get out of the way or am I gonna have to step on you?"
I sat there.  I could feel the anger building up and it started from my feet.  If either of them touches me I was going to kill them and I meant it.
"Hey little girl, don’t you hear me talking to you.  Why are you sitting in the middle of the stairs?  Move out the way!"
"Didn’t your mother ever teach you how to say excuse me?"  I wanted to start something.
"Oh, she trying to be smart homey.  Move your behind out the way!"
"The word is excuse me, use it!  You’ll be surprised at how good it works."
I had that picture of Coco with them in my mind.  She may like being disrespected but I was not going to let them disrespect me.  They would learn the right words today.
"Lane, leave those men alone and let them get through.  What is the matter with you?"
"Trevor are you afraid of them?"
"No, but my father always told me to mind my manners."
"You mind yours, I’m exercising mine!"
"You better listen to that boy and respect your elders girl.  Get your little self out of my way!"
I stood up.  By this time, I was boiling.  I turned around to face them.
"I’ll respect an elder when I see one.  You think just because you got a dick, I’m supposed to do what you say!  It doesn’t work that way with me!  Now respect me and get the hell out my way!"
Trevor stood up.  I stormed passed them pushing the taller one out of my way and went into the building.  I got half way up the stairs when I realized I now had to face Coco.  After I thought about it some more, I figured that she would be doing one of two things: getting high off of her reward or in the bed.  This was the last straw.  I was finally sick and tired of being mistreated…by anyone.  Trevor would even have to tread lightly with me.  It was time for action.  The vision of my new home popped into my head and gave me the strength to go upstairs.  I told myself that I would start preparing for my move tonight.  Coco has done this one time too many…for me. 

As I opened the door to the apartment I asked God to help me make it through the next step I was about to take.  I asked him to give me wisdom with the skills that Cocos already instilled in me.

  
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